Some movement in my paralysis

Maybe it is all about starting all over, starting anew, with a clean slate of sorts.

I have been resisting - and resisting - what feels like a wholesale shattering of many aspects of my life. But in truth, it has been the shattering of illusions, false images propped up by hopes, desires - fears. We keep "living" in too many situations because we don't like change, we fear that what comes next will be worse than the current churning. We smile fake smiles while secretly hoping that one day the circumstances will change - that somehow God will move a mountain and our hearts will no longer feel discouraged or confused.

My spiritual advisor just stared at my emotional dismay recently. In between my demands for answers as to why ALL the shattering at once, he looked puzzled. He reminded me that on my spiritual journey I have been earnestly seeking truth and clarity. Why now was I resisting the truth - and clarity? Was it easier to live with the illusions??

Um, YES!!

He continued to stare at me.

And I have been sitting in this strange, formless place of spiritual suspension - totally uncomfortable with moving forward - because what else is to be shattered? I fear my heart could not take a shaking involving my children, me having to walk them up the hill to be placed on a makeshift altar of sticks and fallen leaves. This too, Lord? Them too?

And so I have sat. Suspended. A spiritual paralysis hoping the dark cloud would soon pass, that the curse would be lifted, that any satanic spirit would eventually tire of taunting me and leave. I have considered whether there be anything evil residing within my home - I should search for it so I can crush it or set fire to it in my backyard. I have run the gamut trying to blame SOMETHING for all this shattering!

And still my spiritual advisor just stares at me.

Because I have longed for Truth. I have sought Clarity. And though ALL THIS is not exactly what I had in mind, it does seem more real than the illusions I have been propping up - for all kinds of reasons. There is something far more solid about this reality.

And if it is true that I have 20-30 more years of life, if I am lucky, perhaps all this shattering simply lays the foundation for all that I want my life to truly be. Perhaps it is a second chance to get things right, to begin again living a life as it was meant to be, to start anew with Truth and Clarity as my guides rather than the empty illusions that only promise an equally empty life.

Who do I want to be? What do I want my life to say? In the death of all these aspects that I believed would bring me life, is Life being truly born? In this moment of death and letting go, can I find Life and have the courage to receive?

Lord, help my faith on this spiritual journey be far more than a hobby. Help me to live according to my faith and values - and to live fearlessly regardless of the fiery trials and the shattering of every illusion. Help me to not be dismayed by death but encouraged by the new Life being born in every moment of transformation and change. Here and now. In this moment.

I think I see some sunlight...

When the giver stops giving and asks for help

For the life of me

I cannot understand

why somebody who so skillfully made others laugh

for so many years,

so consistently,

could die

of a broken heart,

alone

in his room

by his own hand.

I use to laugh – belly laugh – with Patrick, too. He was the funniest real-life person I have ever known. He was kind, generous, thoughtful – and ridiculously funny. I truly enjoyed simply being in his presence. His stream of consciousness was light and airy and blissful delight. I was so drawn to how he made me feel. Whatever mood I was in, dissolved into his many, ongoing amusements.

I never one time considered him sad – or saw any signs of depression.

I thought of Patrick as I read about Robin Williams sending “care packages of laughter” to his friends who were struggling, of him dressing up as a wacky doctor and sneaking into the hospital rooms of friends recovering from surgery.

I cried when I read about Robin Williams. 

I felt like I was reading about my friend…

And it makes me think about how well we really know one another.

And it makes me think about how much we like being around those who make us laugh, 

who make us forget about our troubles, 

who make the room light and airy and blissful delight

– even if for a moment…

And it makes me think about how all that shifts when that someone becomes troubled and changes the dynamic of the relationship, from giving to needing 

– I mean, really needing. 

And how bothered we can be with needy people. 

And how the room can be filled with laughter one moment, loving the one who takes them away from their pain, 

but the room suddenly changes 

almost instantaneously 

when  the giver

stops giving

and asks for help

if they even have the courage to ask

because most don’t.

They suffer in silence

On Sunday, Aug. 10, the world wondered what happened to Robin Williams?

Where did he go?

How come we haven’t seen him around

As much?

We miss him.

Today, we miss him.

We will miss him.

And I wish I had known that Patrick was suffering

That Robin Williams was suffering

Because I would have done more

I should have done more

We need to do more

To do better

In helping one another

In good times

And in bad.

And I am haunted today

This moment

By these words of both friends perhaps:

“I use to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone.

It’s not.

The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”

Please help me change the world…