I choose love...

I often write about human dilemmas - choices and outcomes that leave me puzzled. Human nature often leads us to a quandary, awkward moments and sudden uncomfortableness that cause our hearts and minds to race.

As of late, I feel as though I am a student of juxtaposition. It seems most of my illusions and perceptions about life have been challenged by slamming deeper truths - from friendships, to family, to jobs - and my marriage. What I have long believed about so many facets of my day-to-day have been challenged if not shattered by a truth I seem powerless to stop or change. 

Life rolls on.

Today while talking with a friend before the start of a church service, another person interrupted our conversation to ask my friend to join a gathering tonight on behalf of their mutual friend. Truth be told, their friend in need is experiencing much of the same challenges as my own. And while my heart breaks for her pain, I also was struck that the Inviter was totally unconcerned about my circumstances despite being of the same nature and degree. And I wondered why. 

And I wondered why God would have me experience that moment, exposing the rawness of my own heart in an awkward moment where I ended up feeling embarrassed and shame -- shame that I felt jealous of a group of people who thought that much about this woman to take time from their busy schedules to buoy her during these challenging days. In my heart and head, I knew no such effort would ever be made on my behalf - for so many reasons. 

It's the grand juxtaposition once again. 

In truth, God has provided all that I need as I enter my eighth week of separation from my husband of 20 years. The days have been dark - and light. I have mourned - and I have rejoiced. I have had days of despair - and days full of a deeper kind of love than I have ever known before. I have learned much. And unlearned perhaps even more. I have cried many tears - and I have experienced a different kind of joy. 

This seems a very personal journey to me as I learn to walk differently. As I think of the gathering tonight on behalf of their friend, I can't help but think of the friends who have come alongside me and have buoyed my heart and soul at different times - suddenly when I needed it most, and surprisingly with some I have not talked with in many months. 

I am looking at the models of friendship differently these days - shoot, I am looking at every model differently. At 53, I am poignantly being shown that most theories I have had about life didn't hold up under the fierce testing that comes with age and experience. Going from books to application has blown most of my ideas away...

Truth is, the overriding emotion I have for the person they are gathering for tonight is compassion. And while I was not invited to join them, I prayed for her - and will continue to do so as she journeys through upcoming weeks that may include her most challenging days ever. She will need sudden friends, surprising friends - and a fortitude that comes from becoming her own friend when there seems to be no one else around.

No two journeys are a like as much as we think them to be. Sometimes we need the juxtaposition to remind us, to poke us, to show us those too human parts of ourselves that instead of feeling awkward or uncomfortable, instead should spur us on to deeper introspection of our hurts and motives, our reactions, to consider more deeply the path we choose to live out our faith in a world overflowing with opportunities to build even more barriers to protect our hearts from offense and pain. 

Instead, this day, I choose love. In the human dilemmas, the many awkward moments in the midst of racing hearts and minds, may I escape the temptation to flee the discomfort and choose love instead. May we always choose love... instead...

Hoping for the perfect companion...

I can’t resist checking out the small animals at Magoo’s when going to get dog food for Hollister. They have quite an assortment of birds, lizards and rats (still gag!), guinea pigs and gerbils.

This time as I perused the aisle, I suddenly fell into a 45-year-old memory of me desperately wanting one of the little furry creatures that I could carry with me in my pocket and pull out any time day or night. Time suddenly stood still as I remembered picking out all the gerbils I ever had, baby gerbils so I could make sure I could tame them to my human touch. I so distinctly remember truly believing that these small little pets would be so wonderful to have with me. I would do everything I could to make their little lives perfect.

And it usually worked out great for a while. I fed them, bought them great little gerbil toys, cleaned their gerbil homes, and gave them great gerbil treats. They must have been happy with all my care and attention. I would take them out of their little homes frequently and pet them oh-so-gently out of great affection for their companionship. These little gerbils added so much meaning to my life. I loved having them as a part of my daily existence.

Until they bit me.

And they ALWAYS ended up biting me.

I stood there this morning staring at the gerbils, remembering how disappointed I felt with every single gerbil I ever brought into my life. I had hoped for the perfect companion. I worked hard at giving them a really great life.

But they bit me.

Every single gerbil I ever bought bit me.

And what is a gerbil if they just stay in their cage and run on that wheel? I wanted them to love me back – I wanted them to look forward to me coming home and pulling them from their tiny little homes into the far more comforting place of my hands.

Was that so awful? Did they have to bite me? Some drew blood!!

I lost interest in gerbils after a while. As much as those little furry creatures seemed to beg me to free them from the store, I knew they would turn on me, even after I had given them my very best.

As I turned away from them this morning, climbing the walls to get out of their cage, seeming to plead with me to take them home, I thought about the amazing ways God can speak to us about greater truths in life.

Am I still that little girl wanting perfect companions that won’t bite me? Do I do that with people too?

Maybe that’s why I like dogs and don’t mind hurting my back loading a 20-pound bag of dog food into my car. Hollister has never bitten me – at least not yet. What would I do if he did? Would I lose interest in caring for him?

I think I would.

So now what am I supposed to do with THAT??

For now, I’m going to look forward to going home tonight and seeing Hollister literally jump for joy at seeing me, like I am the greatest person in life, like he is so so grateful to just be with me, to have me pet him and take care of him – and to be a wonderful companion in a life that simply does not have enough shared moments of utter joy of simply being together…

Does he love me? Does she?

And then 

there is this.

“For when you say “I fell in love” with him or her you are saying that he or she was the key that unlocked your heart—the place within yourself where you are love. When the experience is mutual, you can see that the psychic chemistry of the situation allows both partners to “fall in love” or to “awake into love” or to “come into the Spirit.” Since love is a state of being—and the Divine state at that—the state to which we all yearn to return, we wish to possess love. At best we can try to possess the key to our hearts—our beloved—but sooner or later we find that even that is impossible. To possess the key is to lose it.

"Just as with every other method of coming to the Light, if it works we get attached to the method, failing to realize that it is the goals and not the method which we crave. A relationship starting out as one that awakens love can only remain a living vehicle for love to the extent that it is continually made new or reconsecrated. That is, each partner in love must always strain to see through the veils of personality and body to see the Divine Essence within—within himself and his partner. And he must come to see the veils as veils . . . without getting trapped into thinking them real. Such ideas are reflected in the highest marriages, or for that matter in the highest form of any relationship. Play your role in the Divine Dance, but know it to be such and worship its divinity.”

Even at 53 I still think a lot about love. In some ways, it is the center from which I measure most every moment. I often question - Is this love? Is that? Does he love me? Does she? Why does my love feel different when I look deep into the eyes of my daughter or son? Why is love so intoxicatingly alive at some moments - and yet seems so very, very distant at others.

Doesn't life really come down to - love or fear? Do we live in love or fear? Further, what is fear, after all, if it is not unloved? It seems the greatest fear too often reveals itself when we consider otherwise successful people on their deathbed looking well beyond the veils and illusions they have created 

- and reach for love...

To consider love as a state of being ... Unlocked by another ... And ourselves wanting to possess it. This rings true to my soul. And I wonder why I haven't heard this before? And yes, of course, of course, we get attached to the method - the person - and wonder why it all stops working, where love goes, when the method fails to work, especially in challenging times - when all we really, truly want is the goal. We really just want to experience Divine Love, to return to this organic state of unlocked love within our hearts - where no fear resides...

The author seems imploring in his words to see beyond the veils of personality to see the Divine within those we love - which, in one sense, should be everyone. In our more intimate relationships and friendships, it takes a more intentional work - because it is more difficult, more frightening to consider that what was once so Divine is no more.

May each of us see the veils as veils today -- and not get trapped into thinking they are real. 

Looking for the Divine Essence within...