At 50, I thought I would understand more than I do. I thought I would finally "get" people and better understand motives and drive and ambition. I thought I might care less for the things that promised so little, see more clearly purpose ... and right from wrong.
And love. and fear. and faith.
And what it means to care.
And care is different from love, you know? It is. I learned that at 50. Just because someone says they love another, doesn't really mean they care - because love can be selfish. We can love others selfishly.
I learned that quite some time ago.
It's the caring that's the revelation.
We have a legal term that defines when someone does not have a surviving parent to care for them - though to say it, for me, feels harsh and unkind and I would hope I would never be so thoughtless or insensitive as to use it casually in any conversation I might have. Just the word orphan pierces my heart.
... does not have a surviving parent to care for them...
In fiction we find that a lack of parents leaves characters to pursue more interesting and adventurous lives, by freeing them from familial obligations and controls, and depriving them of more prosaic lives. Authors create orphaned characters that are self-contained and introspective.
In the non-fiction of my life, however, I see it played out in other ways as there are many moments in our days where we feel as if no one cares. While we would respond wholeheartedly that we are loved, in the quiet of our hearts we all too often wonder if there is anyone who really ... truly ... cares.
I think it's that uncertainty that someone cares that has sabotaged the growth of humanity or community - heck, even our families and friendships and marriages - and how we raise our kids and our pets. How we are churched. How we are governed. It whispers to us when our assessments and achievements of life still feels empty. It lurks on the fringes of our minds and clamors to find a solid place in our hearts.
... But, BUT, does anyone really care?
50 taught me that.
50 taught me that my days suddenly seem and feel more numbered. I have fewer days ahead of me, for sure, than I now have behind me. It taught me that what I might have been even subconciously waiting for should be pursued ... with my whole heart ... because it might not happen.
50 taught me the value of friends ... friends that truly care AND truly love me. Lucky me. Lucky, lucky me.
50 taught me that our bodies really do change - and now it may take work to shape them the way we want them to be.
50 taught me that dragons can be slayed, that forgiveness is a force, that sometimes we have to go back before we can ever move forward. 50 forced me back and now I am moving forward.
50 taught me that fear has kept me from living life fully, that facing people and darkness and pain is better than turning away. That in the facing of fear we discover that fear itself is a coward and cowers when challenged. Sometimes it dissolves before our very eyes. Fear is far weaker than life.
50 taught me that.
And 50 taught me about faith, a life changing faith, an inspirational faith, a non-human powered faith, a faith that says, yes instead of maybe, a faith that takes risks instead of reserves.
I guess it's true then as one author has said, "... suddenly you find - at the age of 50 ... that a whole new life has opened before you."
It has for me. And I suspect it has for you...
Showing posts with label middle age misery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label middle age misery. Show all posts
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I just want to repeat an honest question
I know this preacher guy who every time he speaks I can't help but think he is telling on himself, an open air confession of his thoughts, be they pretty or not. I usually get a little squirmy, not because I am convicted, as he might hope, but because I think he's depressed and overwhelmed with life. I'm no psychologist, but I'm thinking the dude needs some help.
And who doesn't?
I heard on the comedy channel the other day George Carlin's "List of Things to Watch Out For." (http://www.totalobscurity.com/smile/carlin/carlin.html) I laughed - loudly - in part because of my own anxiety issues, but also - and mainly - because of the absurdness of it all. We are told so many things every single day. It's no wonder the preacher guy is overwhelmed!
A friend of mine received this "honest question" from an old high school friend the other day. I found it especially moving, if not symbolic of what is occurring across the nation.
Hi "Friends" (individual names replaced!!
I don't know how to go about this but to come right out and ask if I am the only one, but I guess I should preface it by giving you a little insight as to my life.
Well, since I had my heart attack in 2005, I was put on three different medications and I gained 25 pounds. I lost my sex drive, I lost much of my hair. I cry soo much over everything my heart hurts. I went through empty house syndrome when My daughter left. Its like.. It can't get worse. and then it does. My relationship with (my husband) is, like always, up and down. We made a bad financial decision during the housing boom that cost us our life savings. Now my oldest is in (another state) with the love of my life, my grand(child) and I can't go. My other two (children) are never home. I am just so sad all the time because of everything... I decided to get off my meds myself since I finally read up on them and two major side effects was rapid weight gain and the other was rapid hair loss. I hate my 40's, I don't really have friends outside of (my children). They are my life and they are all growing up and moving on.
I guess I just want to say hi! This just isn't the kind of stuff I can say to a neighbor or my mom or (my children), ya know? Nothing like old friends to help you put life in perspective. Anyways all advice is appreciated and thanks for reading and I hope you write back.
(Your Friend)
(Dear Friend),
I think honestly that you and a lot of us have been going through changes. One might say that economic changes, marital status, medical issues, children growing up, and death accompanied by pre-menopause and mid-life crisis could have something to do it (our group age 44 & 45). Together at an Anniversary Party, remember how our small group of girls uttered more than once, "Is this it? " speaking about our lives at that point. I was quite surprised listening to everyone, and since then it has been a common feeling shared by others that were not at the party. My husband, and my (child) swear that I am Menopausal, I am in denial. I just read an article recently that the age 44 was a prime time for woman to start mid life crisis, (and not what we might typically think of) but the tears, sadness, and "Is this all there is?" kind of thinking. (Friend), I think this is a stage in our lives, and probably not the best stage in our lives, but I think things are going to get better, and contentment and happiness will follow. Expectations, disappointments, hormones are probably huge factors in the way we feel.
(Friend), I know you are not in this boat alone, lots of us our experiencing some of the same things. If we could just get together, ride around, swim at (a friend's pool), maybe go dancing, and go back to the simple times. Remember we were going to be together everyday, and then my mother told us that we would all grow up, have our own lives, and we would never see each other. Who knew?
My advice, (Friend) is to take one day at time, pray or meditate spend quiet time, and try to look at all the positive and good things in your life. I have book I love "Simple Abundance" that helped me in my life about 10 years ago, and Sunday morning church always helps to see things in a more positive light.
I have been thinking about you all week.
Your Old Pal
Well, I have been thinking about her, too.
And about this article recently published by ABC News; ABC News: "Middle-Aged Misery: Why 44 Is Worst Age." Not that it is all that uplifting, frankly, but it validates the preacher guy's doom, if not the despair of my friend's friend. It reads:
"Middle age makes you miserable, so don't blame your job, your kids, your spouse, your income or lack of it, suggests an international study of 2 million people from 80 nations.
"Researchers from Great Britain and the USA analyzed data spanning more than 35 years on measures such as depression, anxiety, mental well-being, happiness and life satisfaction.
"They found that men and women in their 40s were more likely to be depressed and weren't as happy as other ages. Middle age is such a low point for well-being that it's at the bottom of a U-shaped curve that indicates greater happiness among the young and old.
"It's midlife per se," says co-author Andrew Oswald, an economist at the University of Warwick in Coventry, England. "It's something deep beyond all the controls in our equation. It's a developing midlife low. It doesn't just happen one year and go away another."
For both sexes, the probability of depression peaks around age 44.
Oswald doesn't have any concrete answers on why such a slump occurs.
"My best conjecture is that people eventually learn to quell their infeasible aspirations," he says. "They manage to get their expectations into line with what they can actually achieve."
The study by Oswald and fellow economist David Blanchflower of Dartmouth College in Hanover, N.H., being published in the journal Social Science & Medicine found the same U-shape by age for 72 of 80 countries studied.
"You can be almost certain you will follow this U-shaped curve," Oswald says. "If you are finding life tough in your 40s, maybe it's useful to know this is completely normal."
Research by Angus Deaton, a Princeton University economist, has found a similar U-shaped curve in some countries, but he says it doesn't hold true globally.
"Young people are happier in some countries, and in some countries middle-aged are happy. It depends on which country," he says. "In my data, it's true if you look some places, older people are really miserable relative to younger people. It's not U-shaped. (Happiness is) just going down."
Despite the skepticism, Oswald says the age factor appears real.
"We're correlating mental well-being with age, having factored out 100 other influences," Oswald says.
"In 2008, social science can't do better than this."
Great, right?
I am left to ponder a quote I once heard from the great philosopher Cher: "I've been 30 and I have been 40. 30 is better."
And I wanted to blame it on our economy...
And who doesn't?
I heard on the comedy channel the other day George Carlin's "List of Things to Watch Out For." (http://www.totalobscurity.com/smile/carlin/carlin.html) I laughed - loudly - in part because of my own anxiety issues, but also - and mainly - because of the absurdness of it all. We are told so many things every single day. It's no wonder the preacher guy is overwhelmed!
A friend of mine received this "honest question" from an old high school friend the other day. I found it especially moving, if not symbolic of what is occurring across the nation.
Hi "Friends" (individual names replaced!!
I don't know how to go about this but to come right out and ask if I am the only one, but I guess I should preface it by giving you a little insight as to my life.
Well, since I had my heart attack in 2005, I was put on three different medications and I gained 25 pounds. I lost my sex drive, I lost much of my hair. I cry soo much over everything my heart hurts. I went through empty house syndrome when My daughter left. Its like.. It can't get worse. and then it does. My relationship with (my husband) is, like always, up and down. We made a bad financial decision during the housing boom that cost us our life savings. Now my oldest is in (another state) with the love of my life, my grand(child) and I can't go. My other two (children) are never home. I am just so sad all the time because of everything... I decided to get off my meds myself since I finally read up on them and two major side effects was rapid weight gain and the other was rapid hair loss. I hate my 40's, I don't really have friends outside of (my children). They are my life and they are all growing up and moving on.
I guess I just want to say hi! This just isn't the kind of stuff I can say to a neighbor or my mom or (my children), ya know? Nothing like old friends to help you put life in perspective. Anyways all advice is appreciated and thanks for reading and I hope you write back.
(Your Friend)
(Dear Friend),
I think honestly that you and a lot of us have been going through changes. One might say that economic changes, marital status, medical issues, children growing up, and death accompanied by pre-menopause and mid-life crisis could have something to do it (our group age 44 & 45). Together at an Anniversary Party, remember how our small group of girls uttered more than once, "Is this it? " speaking about our lives at that point. I was quite surprised listening to everyone, and since then it has been a common feeling shared by others that were not at the party. My husband, and my (child) swear that I am Menopausal, I am in denial. I just read an article recently that the age 44 was a prime time for woman to start mid life crisis, (and not what we might typically think of) but the tears, sadness, and "Is this all there is?" kind of thinking. (Friend), I think this is a stage in our lives, and probably not the best stage in our lives, but I think things are going to get better, and contentment and happiness will follow. Expectations, disappointments, hormones are probably huge factors in the way we feel.
(Friend), I know you are not in this boat alone, lots of us our experiencing some of the same things. If we could just get together, ride around, swim at (a friend's pool), maybe go dancing, and go back to the simple times. Remember we were going to be together everyday, and then my mother told us that we would all grow up, have our own lives, and we would never see each other. Who knew?
My advice, (Friend) is to take one day at time, pray or meditate spend quiet time, and try to look at all the positive and good things in your life. I have book I love "Simple Abundance" that helped me in my life about 10 years ago, and Sunday morning church always helps to see things in a more positive light.
I have been thinking about you all week.
Your Old Pal
Well, I have been thinking about her, too.
And about this article recently published by ABC News; ABC News: "Middle-Aged Misery: Why 44 Is Worst Age." Not that it is all that uplifting, frankly, but it validates the preacher guy's doom, if not the despair of my friend's friend. It reads:
"Middle age makes you miserable, so don't blame your job, your kids, your spouse, your income or lack of it, suggests an international study of 2 million people from 80 nations.
"Researchers from Great Britain and the USA analyzed data spanning more than 35 years on measures such as depression, anxiety, mental well-being, happiness and life satisfaction.
"They found that men and women in their 40s were more likely to be depressed and weren't as happy as other ages. Middle age is such a low point for well-being that it's at the bottom of a U-shaped curve that indicates greater happiness among the young and old.
"It's midlife per se," says co-author Andrew Oswald, an economist at the University of Warwick in Coventry, England. "It's something deep beyond all the controls in our equation. It's a developing midlife low. It doesn't just happen one year and go away another."
For both sexes, the probability of depression peaks around age 44.
Oswald doesn't have any concrete answers on why such a slump occurs.
"My best conjecture is that people eventually learn to quell their infeasible aspirations," he says. "They manage to get their expectations into line with what they can actually achieve."
The study by Oswald and fellow economist David Blanchflower of Dartmouth College in Hanover, N.H., being published in the journal Social Science & Medicine found the same U-shape by age for 72 of 80 countries studied.
"You can be almost certain you will follow this U-shaped curve," Oswald says. "If you are finding life tough in your 40s, maybe it's useful to know this is completely normal."
Research by Angus Deaton, a Princeton University economist, has found a similar U-shaped curve in some countries, but he says it doesn't hold true globally.
"Young people are happier in some countries, and in some countries middle-aged are happy. It depends on which country," he says. "In my data, it's true if you look some places, older people are really miserable relative to younger people. It's not U-shaped. (Happiness is) just going down."
Despite the skepticism, Oswald says the age factor appears real.
"We're correlating mental well-being with age, having factored out 100 other influences," Oswald says.
"In 2008, social science can't do better than this."
Great, right?
I am left to ponder a quote I once heard from the great philosopher Cher: "I've been 30 and I have been 40. 30 is better."
And I wanted to blame it on our economy...
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