Monday, March 07, 2011

Through the darkness...

I'm feeling rather dark this morning.

Trying to make some sense of death - and the end of life. Throughout the night, I found myself tossing and turning as I tried to find comfort physically and emotionally.

I thought of Patrick, my dear friend, my kindred spirit - my laughter for many years - who in the lapse of the busyness of our days, took his own life and I never was able to say good bye. Every sailboat I see - every. single. time. I. see. one. - I think of him and his passion for piloting and crewing graceful boats that glide with the wind across the waters of Michigan.

And then he was gone.

I thought of my father and how my life has never really been the same.
Nor has the lives of Isi and Colt who STILL talk about him - and love him - and miss him.

I thought about Celia who has buzzed around me for years - years - doing and doing, hugging and hugging - and how much I really took for granted that her presence would always be there.

And I thought about Joanne.
After many years, I first observed her again from the pew of our church - stunned really as I had no recollection of her interest in attending such a service. Our history was full of difficulties. As we parted ways many years ago, I breathed a sigh of relief. Our charged and conflicted interactions would now cease. And we never spoke again.

And suddenly, many years later, there she was. Week after week I observed her in church, trying to figure out her true motive for being there. I genuinely doubted it was pure. And I watched as she came in and sat alone, near the front, sometimes seeming to be moved to tears by the message or song. Sometimes we would leave from the same door, a few feet apart but never speaking, never even acknowledging a fleeting and knowing glance.

The Pastor announced from the pulpit a few weeks ago that Joanne is dying.

And I have tossed and turned many a nights now as I think of her.
In that pew, sometimes crying.
I think of what must have been going on in her heart.
And I think of what was going on in my own.

Sleep finally comes when I realize that God is that big.
And that we are that small.
That we can believe we have all knowledge about someone or something, only to be reminded that we have no knowledge at all.

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." ~ Micah 6:8