Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Morning Pages - 1st Entry

             Ok so it’s not morning. It’s 12:57 pm. I’m using a lunch break to complete these morning pages suggested by Julia Cameron in the Artist Way. She says three pages before you get out of bed in the morning. I already said, it isn’t morning … and you might as well know it isn’t long-hand like she says either – in fact, I probably need to change the spacing in order to make it more like long hand  - or I won’t make it on this first time out… Three hand-written pages before you get out of bed…

            And oh, it’s suppose to be free association – just let it flow.

            Isi started this yesterday – woke up at 6 am – I heard the alarm go off. I just rolled over and wished she would turn that darn alarm down. I wanted another hour of sleep. She woke up at 6 again this morning – with the same loud alarm. It didn’t bother me so much today – though I still did not get out of bed. 

            And she went to bed at 9 in order to get up at 6. Hmmm.

            I don’t like discipline. I am doing a discipline exercise myself these days. No sugar. Yup, I know it’s not like waking up at 6 am and writing three pages before I get out of bed, but since Jan. 4, I haven’t had any sugar – excluding the trace amounts in foods not considered sugary – like ketchup – but I haven’t had any ketchup either. I passed on the fruit/yogurt parfait this morning!

            I have to say, I really do like life better without sugar. This is the third time I have done this in my life, all with the wonderful help of Richard Watson and his book called The Philosopher’s Diet. The subhead is How to Lose Weight & Change the World. I like the latter focus. I like changing the world more than losing weight. It sounds better too. So I tell people about Richard and the #stopsugar campaign I started on Twitter. I ask everyone who seems remotely interested to join me. Very few takers. Except for my friend @JJCardinal. She said she is doing it as well. I hope she still is.

            So it appears I am on my second page now. Isn’t that how we think? Well, clearly it is how I think. Where is the goal? What is expected of me? Can I make it up one more flight of stairs? I am always assessing it seems. I wish I could stop. I wonder if I had more time if I could stop? Since I am squeezing this in on a break, that clock is ticking… I don’t think this is exactly what Julia had in mind… Hurrying during an office break to write three pages of nonsense.

            At first I decided I was going to blog these pages. I still don’t know if I will. Perhaps I will post this one and see what happens. I always have as a personal goal to blog more (it use to be journal but the 21st century changed the terminology). Every single year I commit to that. I think I did a titch better last year.  

            Sooooo …

            ¾ done on the second page …

            Instead of writing this morning, I ended up yelling at Colton. I hate it when I do that. I really, really hate it. He is such a great kid. My sincere desire is to never yell at either of my kids. Why do I end up doing so?? I was thinking of that verse in the Bible when Paul described doing what he does not want to do. And not doing what he really wants to. It seems no matter how hard we try sometimes, we end up doing what we do not want to do. I hate that about life. I hate it when people do it to me – and I especially hate it when I do it to others.

            Which makes me think about this idea of respect. I went to a conference once that talked about man’s greatest need was for respect. While the men attending seemed to let out a big sigh of relief that finally the truth was told or revealed perhaps, I felt confused though I certainly didn’t want to utter it. Then, in many discussions since then, various men have confirmed, “Yes, yes, respect is what I need. I need respect in order to be happy.” Some months ago, it occurred to me, respect comes from within – in fact, the most respectable people I know didn’t demand that others respect them, they possessed it from within. They respect themselves. And because they respect themselves, others respect them as well. It’s internal to external. I suppose it’s where that phrase “no self-respecting person would do that” comes from. We respect those that respect themselves.

            Oops, phone. I’m not suppose to answer the phone am I?

            Almost done with my third page.

            How much time have I been writing?? When is this office break over??

            Wonder if Colton is still mad at me from me yelling at him this morning? I will have to do something especially nice for him tonight to make up for it. He probably spent the day wishing he had a better mother.

            I wish I would be a better mother.

            And a better morning-page writer. (end of page three – whew!!)


Anita said...

The stream of consciousness writing is pretty good. Love the part about respect. I'm gonna print that and keep it!

the real isi said...

I'm pretty sure there is no better mother... And I liked this one, mommy. It was good. You should write them more often. And, um, sorry about my alarm. At least its a song you like, and not a screamo song.