When the giver stops giving and asks for help

For the life of me

I cannot understand

why somebody who so skillfully made others laugh

for so many years,

so consistently,

could die

of a broken heart,

alone

in his room

by his own hand.

I use to laugh – belly laugh – with Patrick, too. He was the funniest real-life person I have ever known. He was kind, generous, thoughtful – and ridiculously funny. I truly enjoyed simply being in his presence. His stream of consciousness was light and airy and blissful delight. I was so drawn to how he made me feel. Whatever mood I was in, dissolved into his many, ongoing amusements.

I never one time considered him sad – or saw any signs of depression.

I thought of Patrick as I read about Robin Williams sending “care packages of laughter” to his friends who were struggling, of him dressing up as a wacky doctor and sneaking into the hospital rooms of friends recovering from surgery.

I cried when I read about Robin Williams. 

I felt like I was reading about my friend…

And it makes me think about how well we really know one another.

And it makes me think about how much we like being around those who make us laugh, 

who make us forget about our troubles, 

who make the room light and airy and blissful delight

– even if for a moment…

And it makes me think about how all that shifts when that someone becomes troubled and changes the dynamic of the relationship, from giving to needing 

– I mean, really needing. 

And how bothered we can be with needy people. 

And how the room can be filled with laughter one moment, loving the one who takes them away from their pain, 

but the room suddenly changes 

almost instantaneously 

when  the giver

stops giving

and asks for help

if they even have the courage to ask

because most don’t.

They suffer in silence

On Sunday, Aug. 10, the world wondered what happened to Robin Williams?

Where did he go?

How come we haven’t seen him around

As much?

We miss him.

Today, we miss him.

We will miss him.

And I wish I had known that Patrick was suffering

That Robin Williams was suffering

Because I would have done more

I should have done more

We need to do more

To do better

In helping one another

In good times

And in bad.

And I am haunted today

This moment

By these words of both friends perhaps:

“I use to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone.

It’s not.

The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”

Please help me change the world…