When the giver stops giving and asks for help

For the life of me

I cannot understand

why somebody who so skillfully made others laugh

for so many years,

so consistently,

could die

of a broken heart,

alone

in his room

by his own hand.

I use to laugh – belly laugh – with Patrick, too. He was the funniest real-life person I have ever known. He was kind, generous, thoughtful – and ridiculously funny. I truly enjoyed simply being in his presence. His stream of consciousness was light and airy and blissful delight. I was so drawn to how he made me feel. Whatever mood I was in, dissolved into his many, ongoing amusements.

I never one time considered him sad – or saw any signs of depression.

I thought of Patrick as I read about Robin Williams sending “care packages of laughter” to his friends who were struggling, of him dressing up as a wacky doctor and sneaking into the hospital rooms of friends recovering from surgery.

I cried when I read about Robin Williams. 

I felt like I was reading about my friend…

And it makes me think about how well we really know one another.

And it makes me think about how much we like being around those who make us laugh, 

who make us forget about our troubles, 

who make the room light and airy and blissful delight

– even if for a moment…

And it makes me think about how all that shifts when that someone becomes troubled and changes the dynamic of the relationship, from giving to needing 

– I mean, really needing. 

And how bothered we can be with needy people. 

And how the room can be filled with laughter one moment, loving the one who takes them away from their pain, 

but the room suddenly changes 

almost instantaneously 

when  the giver

stops giving

and asks for help

if they even have the courage to ask

because most don’t.

They suffer in silence

On Sunday, Aug. 10, the world wondered what happened to Robin Williams?

Where did he go?

How come we haven’t seen him around

As much?

We miss him.

Today, we miss him.

We will miss him.

And I wish I had known that Patrick was suffering

That Robin Williams was suffering

Because I would have done more

I should have done more

We need to do more

To do better

In helping one another

In good times

And in bad.

And I am haunted today

This moment

By these words of both friends perhaps:

“I use to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone.

It’s not.

The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”

Please help me change the world…

A rare treasure, dazzling in delicate beauty

I started to read out loud Sarah Young's entry this morning in "Jesus Calling," but was truly overcome with tears. As much as I paused to choke back the tears, they came anyway and I handed the book over to my husband to read to our two children and me. I tripped on the words "those who yearn for me." They got stuck in my throat. And while I am somewhat embarrassed to tell you why, I think I must this morning because it has so profoundly impacted me today. 

Before getting out of bed this morning, I watched and re-watched a struggling, desperate woman who hugged her friend in that way that says more than I missed you, more than I'm glad your here. She hugged her long, and hard and I imagined that in that moment something about the desperation of life was exchanged... because one of them did not want to let go ... And then in front of a club full of people, the desperate one took the microphone and began singing quietly at first, "Yes, Jesus loves me... Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me - the bible" - and she more loudly repeated while looking deep in her friend's eyes, "the bible ... the bible tells me so." And in that club somewhere in Hollywood, the crowd went crazy. And I believe that woman was hanging on, you see, hanging on with all that she had to the only truth that remained in her life - when all was said and done, when all the fame came and went, when all the drugs stole everything from her, she rose to her feet and sang the only thing that brought any sense of stability in her life, "Yes, Jesus loves me." Confidently, hopefully, soul-strongfully ... fearfully.

And that less-than-two minute, unfinished song was all as she left that stage and humbly waved off the cheering crowd because her voice was not what it once was. And she knew it. And she knew the crowd knew it. But she had to sing it that night, the night before she died. The very next day we would learn of her untimely death and the world would stop and think of all that she had been through. And our hearts would break because it seemed the demons won.

Sarah's words this morning, "It is a rare treasure, dazzling in delicate beauty yet strong enough to withstand all onslaughts. Wear My Peace with regal dignity. It will keep your heart and mind close to Mine." And I thought of the regal dignity of Whitney the night before her death singing that childlike song, "Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible - the bible - tells me so." And I thought of my own times of quiet desperation when all I could do was repeat that thought, hoping that what the bible said was true - and putting everything I had on that one single belief. And while others may describe Whitney's last public performance differently, I saw desperation - and I get desperation. I know what it feels like to be that desperate, where the only thing you have is, "Yes, Jesus love me." And clinging to friends that care.

"A rare treasure, dazzling in delicate beauty yet strong enough to withstand all onslaughts." 

Lord, may it be.

Personality disorders for everyone!

One-in-five young adults has a personality disorder -- as if we didn't have enough to worry about!

News out of Chicago yesterday reported that almost one-in-five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs.

Good Lord!

The study, described as the most extensive of its kind, was based on face-to-face interviews with more than 5,000 19-25 year olds. The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.

Counting substance abuse, the study found that nearly half of young people surveyed have some sort of psychiatric condition, including students and non-students.

Personality disorders were the second most common problem behind drug or alcohol abuse as a single category. The disorders include obsessive, anti-social and paranoid behaviors that are not mere quirks but actually interfere with ordinary functioning.

I know I'm not in the age range, but I automatically started counting those around me - one, two, three ... Someone here is on the verge of something!

And that explains a lot! I mean, these one-in-fivers, do these numbers change with age? I'm thinking no, based upon my vast research. In fact, I'm recalling that time of life as a bit more "ahhh" than today's titch more "huh?" I'm thinking the great philosopers Mick Jagger and Keith Richards understood, "What a drag it is getting old." When they penned, "She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper, And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day" - those brothers understood that life gets crazy, man!

And for me, perhaps that is the point not mentioned in the research. Growing up, I never once doubted that the adults around me were faultless - that every decision made was wise. It wasn't until I reached the age of this reported study group that I realized that lots of adults were posers, running for the shelter, and hookin up at their own Peyton Places (aging myself, I know!). It was disillusioning, sure, but we weren't yet replicating the insanity.

I think the age of insanity has slid on down - and why wouldn't it? As adults, we haven't protected our young people from the realities of life the way our parents use to. It's hard to do so with 24-hour news and internet and wars and parents losing homes and jobs. Why is it surprising considering the instability of a world that should be rated G or PG but has forcibly been given an R due to adult themes, including intense or persistent violence?

I worry the number of personality disordered would be significantly higher for those of us in the 25 and above age group.

Which would explain a lot.

Read the headlines today - one, two, three ...

Look around - one, two, three..

Is it you or is it me?

"Doctor please, some more of these ... Outside the door, she took four more... Life's just much too hard today, I hear ev'ry mother say... "

I just want to repeat an honest question

I know this preacher guy who every time he speaks I can't help but think he is telling on himself, an open air confession of his thoughts, be they pretty or not. I usually get a little squirmy, not because I am convicted, as he might hope, but because I think he's depressed and overwhelmed with life. I'm no psychologist, but I'm thinking the dude needs some help.

And who doesn't?

I heard on the comedy channel the other day George Carlin's "List of Things to Watch Out For." (http://www.totalobscurity.com/smile/carlin/carlin.html) I laughed - loudly - in part because of my own anxiety issues, but also - and mainly - because of the absurdness of it all. We are told so many things every single day. It's no wonder the preacher guy is overwhelmed!

A friend of mine received this "honest question" from an old high school friend the other day. I found it especially moving, if not symbolic of what is occurring across the nation.

Hi "Friends" (individual names replaced!!
I don't know how to go about this but to come right out and ask if I am the only one, but I guess I should preface it by giving you a little insight as to my life.

Well, since I had my heart attack in 2005, I was put on three different medications and I gained 25 pounds. I lost my sex drive, I lost much of my hair. I cry soo much over everything my heart hurts. I went through empty house syndrome when My daughter left. Its like.. It can't get worse. and then it does. My relationship with (my husband) is, like always, up and down. We made a bad financial decision during the housing boom that cost us our life savings. Now my oldest is in (another state) with the love of my life, my grand(child) and I can't go. My other two (children) are never home. I am just so sad all the time because of everything... I decided to get off my meds myself since I finally read up on them and two major side effects was rapid weight gain and the other was rapid hair loss. I hate my 40's, I don't really have friends outside of (my children). They are my life and they are all growing up and moving on.

I guess I just want to say hi! This just isn't the kind of stuff I can say to a neighbor or my mom or (my children), ya know? Nothing like old friends to help you put life in perspective. Anyways all advice is appreciated and thanks for reading and I hope you write back.
(Your Friend)

(Dear Friend),
I think honestly that you and a lot of us have been going through changes. One might say that economic changes, marital status, medical issues, children growing up, and death accompanied by pre-menopause and mid-life crisis could have something to do it (our group age 44 & 45). Together at an Anniversary Party, remember how our small group of girls uttered more than once, "Is this it? " speaking about our lives at that point. I was quite surprised listening to everyone, and since then it has been a common feeling shared by others that were not at the party. My husband, and my (child) swear that I am Menopausal, I am in denial. I just read an article recently that the age 44 was a prime time for woman to start mid life crisis, (and not what we might typically think of) but the tears, sadness, and "Is this all there is?" kind of thinking. (Friend), I think this is a stage in our lives, and probably not the best stage in our lives, but I think things are going to get better, and contentment and happiness will follow. Expectations, disappointments, hormones are probably huge factors in the way we feel.

(Friend), I know you are not in this boat alone, lots of us our experiencing some of the same things. If we could just get together, ride around, swim at (a friend's pool), maybe go dancing, and go back to the simple times. Remember we were going to be together everyday, and then my mother told us that we would all grow up, have our own lives, and we would never see each other. Who knew?

My advice, (Friend) is to take one day at time, pray or meditate spend quiet time, and try to look at all the positive and good things in your life. I have book I love "Simple Abundance" that helped me in my life about 10 years ago, and Sunday morning church always helps to see things in a more positive light.

I have been thinking about you all week.

Your Old Pal

Well, I have been thinking about her, too.

And about this article recently published by ABC News; ABC News: "Middle-Aged Misery: Why 44 Is Worst Age." Not that it is all that uplifting, frankly, but it validates the preacher guy's doom, if not the despair of my friend's friend. It reads:

"Middle age makes you miserable, so don't blame your job, your kids, your spouse, your income or lack of it, suggests an international study of 2 million people from 80 nations.

"Researchers from Great Britain and the USA analyzed data spanning more than 35 years on measures such as depression, anxiety, mental well-being, happiness and life satisfaction.

"They found that men and women in their 40s were more likely to be depressed and weren't as happy as other ages. Middle age is such a low point for well-being that it's at the bottom of a U-shaped curve that indicates greater happiness among the young and old.

"It's midlife per se," says co-author Andrew Oswald, an economist at the University of Warwick in Coventry, England. "It's something deep beyond all the controls in our equation. It's a developing midlife low. It doesn't just happen one year and go away another."

For both sexes, the probability of depression peaks around age 44.

Oswald doesn't have any concrete answers on why such a slump occurs.

"My best conjecture is that people eventually learn to quell their infeasible aspirations," he says. "They manage to get their expectations into line with what they can actually achieve."

The study by Oswald and fellow economist David Blanchflower of Dartmouth College in Hanover, N.H., being published in the journal Social Science & Medicine found the same U-shape by age for 72 of 80 countries studied.

"You can be almost certain you will follow this U-shaped curve," Oswald says. "If you are finding life tough in your 40s, maybe it's useful to know this is completely normal."

Research by Angus Deaton, a Princeton University economist, has found a similar U-shaped curve in some countries, but he says it doesn't hold true globally.

"Young people are happier in some countries, and in some countries middle-aged are happy. It depends on which country," he says. "In my data, it's true if you look some places, older people are really miserable relative to younger people. It's not U-shaped. (Happiness is) just going down."

Despite the skepticism, Oswald says the age factor appears real.

"We're correlating mental well-being with age, having factored out 100 other influences," Oswald says.

"In 2008, social science can't do better than this."

Great, right?

I am left to ponder a quote I once heard from the great philosopher Cher: "I've been 30 and I have been 40. 30 is better."

And I wanted to blame it on our economy...